It's been awhile since I've posted any of my flawless life advice, but I've been kind of distracted, you see, I've just found www.youporn.com and have been very busy with....research. With any luck, there are a couple people still living to read this. Though I'm sure we've lost a couple to murder/suicides, unicycle accidents and the like. Here's one from Amanda, who seems to be rather distressed (23 emails in one week? You need a pet with a life threatening illness.... or a hobby, whatevs.):
"Heys guys, LOL!, I'm just writing because I need some advice from a man's perspective, and I figured who better to go to than THE man. I just can't seem to find myself a good guy, whenever I like a guy, it never works out, they always come up with crazy excuses not to hang out with me. The last guy actually tried to convince me that he was a bubble boy! Are there any special things that I should be doing or not doing to make guys like me?"
Before I address your problem, I just want to clear something up...I am THE man, but not the one responsible for all the racial injustices, just government conspiracies, world hunger, crib death, and general keeping-you-downedness. Now, there are many things that you should do to make guys like you, and there's really nothing more important in life. There are also likely a lot of things you shouldn't be doing. First thing's first, make sure your clothes fit you(I assume that all your clothes are pause apparel, if not, there's no point in reading any further, you'll never stand a chance), and that includes the style of the clothing, for example: skinny jeans, believe it or not, only suit skinny people. I don't know who the asshole is that decided to manufacture them in large sizes, but it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to understand why this is wrong. The most important thing you can do is put out, HARD! Nothing says "hey guys! I'm worth getting to know" quite like a slutty reputation. Actually, we're done here (god I'm good), just dress well and put out, and I'm sure you'll do fine. Once you've done all that, come see me and maybe we can hang out, but only if you're a ten, cause that's how I roll.
Keep it real,
Kyle ¶ 3:34 PM
